Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
