Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
