worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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