shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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