you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
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His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
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Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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