having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
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