So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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