So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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