i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
