My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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