Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
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My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
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I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
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