literally had 100 drinks last night.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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