I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Fuck appropriateness.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
