I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there