i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
