Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
