you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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