In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
