Jerry, you need to find god
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
