Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
