I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Gay?
German.
Pity.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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