Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
