Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
