found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
