does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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