y did u give ur computer a hand job?
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
how does that bad decision feel?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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