i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
