I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
