The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
