This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
