Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
