Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
