I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
