I met the friendliest cop last night
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
