I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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