I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
