I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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