We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
