she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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