i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
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I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
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please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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