I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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