The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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