Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
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