so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
