some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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