Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
