I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
