This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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