Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
A bitchslap is in order.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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