how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
