I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I have aggressive nipples.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize