I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
she told me i tasted like america
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
