He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Pants are for mortals
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
