I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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