so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
high people should be assigned attendants
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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